The Hardest Thing
by Gemjj
Summary: Cordelia visits the Scoobies. Character death


Title: The Hardest Thing 

Author: Gem

Disclaimer: I'm in no way connected to the show or the characters. I'm just a fan… an obsessed one at that! lol

Character death

So maybe this is the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.

Y'know, I never once thought my life would turn out like this, with visions for an ensouled vampire and all. I don't mind the visions that much, I mean, yes they hurt like hell and I must really worry and guilt trip Angel everytime I complain about them, but hey, complaining's my thing.

So I'm standing here, at a place I really don't want to be. Knowing something I don't want to know, and realising I'm going to have to open my mouth and tell these people what happened.

Angel's my best friend, and for the past few years we've been more than that. His soul was secured, and he chose to share it with me. ME. Not Buffy or anyone else, just me.

And again, can I just say how unprepared for this type of life I was – it was supposed to go something like popular in high school, marry some rich and famous guy, hopefully after becoming famous myself, get married and have one to four kids, depending on how much kiddo number one hurt when making first appearances.

But I realise now how much better my life has been this way. Maybe I do face death more than the average person, yadda, yadda, yadda, but hey, I'm happy… was happy.

So all that led me here. The place I so don't want to be, but I know I have to tell them, tell her. He'd want them to know.

Standing here I'm wondering how much I should tell them. Would it make things worse for the retired slayer if she knew he'd had his soul permanently and had stayed in L.A to be with me? I guess I'll have to, otherwise it's going to be complicated explaining the whole he-died-human-which-had-nothing-to-do-with-love-for-me situation.

But maybe that's all I'll have to say. Do I want them to know the rest? I may have always been a tactless bitch, but I don't want to see anyone hurt more than they have to, not when it comes to losing someone you once loved… love. Maybe she still loves him? In which case I don't think I could tell her, maybe it's best she doesn't know, and then no tears or heartache will be thrown upon her like they were me.

I can here laughter from inside. It just makes it harder – I'll have to interrupt their little party with my news… a party I wasn't invited to because I was apart of the other team to them these days, the team that was now just me.

I miss him. It's been a few days but my heart and soul haven't got used to the fact he's not around anymore. I yearn for him, in every way a woman can for a man – her man.

I so badly want to run away from this door – inside it is all the fears that I've recently decided to face, I always knew I'd face them one day, but with him by my side, not like this, never like this.

Behind this door's my past, out here it's the present, and once I take the present in to see my past, it'll decide my future… whether I can go on or not.

The only question I want answered before I knock, is whether or not I'm going to manage it, to say the things I have to say to the people in there without breaking down until I get back to my hotel room… or will I snap in front of them?

I have a deep feeling it's going to be the latter… it's hard enough for me to knock on the damn door without thinking a million thoughts a second, feeling a million things and wanting so much to get out of here so I could deal with it all on my own and just cry it all out.

But they need to know. He needs me to tell them and I'm going to do it, it's the hardest thing I'm ever going to do, but I'm going to knock, walk in there and say what I have to, maybe I'll cry as I'm telling them, scream even, or maybe my lips will just move and I can just block it all out until I'm done and then break down. I don't know, I've never done this before; I don't know how I'm going to react.

I have to do this now, or I'm going to be standing on this doorstep for the rest of my life.

And there it was; the sound of my fist connecting with the door, alerting the people inside of my presence.

Maybe I could still run. I could, but I won't, I have to do this.

"Cordelia! What a nice surprise!" Giles. Older, but something about him had defiantly changed besides the aged wrinkles on his face. He was more cheerful and relaxed than I'd ever seen him before. "I had no idea that Buffy and Spike had invited you!"

He was oblivious to the saddened look I was giving him as his eyes slid downwards, spotting the un-missible. He grinned, "oh, my, Cordelia! Congratulations!"

He turned inwards, calling out the others that were inside, "everyone! Cordelia's here, and she's brought a little visitor with her!"

He opened the door widely, inviting me in.

"Are Wesley and Angel with you?" He asked as he led me into his house.

"No. I'm on my own," was all I could manage, speaking for the first time, he didn't yet understand the truth in my words. I was on my own, to deal with the pain.

He took me straight into the dining area, a warm glow seemed to line the room, and happy faces and giggles didn't phase when we entered.

My friends, all grown up sat around the table, and smiled up expectantly at me. At once the ones who were there that I knew were out of their seats and lining up to welcome me.

Buffy got there first, and her smiling happy face was like a knife through my heart.

The ex-slayer pulled me to her but only after going wide-eyed as Giles had done at the size of me. "Congrats, Cordy! How amazing do you look, one of the few that can pull a erm… well, situation like that off, I guess, but then you always did look great no matter what!" To my relief she pulled back from the hug.

"So, where's the other two of your trio?" At my blank face she added; "Wesley and Angel?"

I opened my mouth to answer, but no words came out, before she had a chance to think it was strange though, Willow flung herself at me.

"Oh, Cordy! Isn't it great how we're all finally getting to be happy!" She exclaimed, grinning.

She pulled away just as quickly as she had lunged at me. Her hand smothered down my belly. "Wow, Cordy! This is so exciting!" She hadn't changed much, "I always thought you'd be the first this would –"

As it happens Xander got too impatient to wait, and pushed the red-haired girl to the side, engulfing me in a bear hug, well, as much as one could with me in the state I was.

Xander, the guy who I knew always had something to say, just held me. Either no words came to him, or he didn't think they were appropriate. I was glad for his embrace unlike the others, he was the one that I always had been the closet to out of everyone dispite what we had been trough will our relationship.

As Xander pulled away shyly smiling at me, Spike asked the inevitable question then, while snaking his arms around Buffy, as I realised they must be a couple now, "So who's the lucky daddy then, cheerleader?"

I was so close to breaking before I even started.

I hadn't planned what I was going to say, but I figured that an explanation would've managed it's way out of me before this – but it didn't, the one answer name swirled in my head as they all looked at me expectantly, it was the only thing I was able to say; "Angel."

I closed my eyes, hell, I didn't want to torture myself by seeing everyone's reactions.

"Angel?" I heard Spike repeat, surprise so not being well hidden in his voice.

I can't stop the few tears that escape me as I open my eyes.

"Is he here too?" Buffy asked cautiously, repeating her earlier question for me, the one I had already answered once for her ex-watcher.

It hurts so bad, but I have to do this. I shake my head no, sadly.

"Cordy?" Xander's soft voice asks as they all see more tears fall, and finally my depressed state dawned on them that they had blocked out before because of the excitement.

I lock my eyes with Buffy's. If I look anywhere else my head will spin and I think I might just pass out because it hurts so bad.

I only manage the short version of the past fifteen years as I cry harder, hell, I don't even know if this is making sense to them, "Angel… Angel got his soul, and we were together," I gasp for a breath between my sobs, and I'm not sure who it is that's supporting my shoulders, I think maybe Giles, but Spike was close also… "Then he turned human… about a year now. But," breathe, Cordy, "the visions didn't stop… he felt, still duty to protect helpless… and I –" I could only rub the swell of my belly, "but he and Wes, last week…" I sob more, if that's possible? "they died, trying to protect me from demon."

I finally give in to the weakness of my knees and let myself fall down, only managing to not hurt myself as Spike gripped me and came down with me to, holding on tight.

"He's dead," I wailed. Out went the scheme for trying to save Buffy pain… because all I could feel now was my own, barely aware of much else. "He's dead," I screamed out again, only little comfort coming from the fact I was rubbing my belly, my baby, my little angel.

And I had been right, this was the hardest thing I'll ever do. But not because of telling them, because telling them meant it was real and I had to accept that he was really gone.

I could never have prepared myself for this type of pain, but y'know what, I'm still glad my life went this way. Because all that was ever good for me was not some rich famous guy, but him, my Angel, my love.

I guess the whole Scooby gang welcoming her back just like that would be kinda off the mark, but there wasn't a way I could think of writing it in which they would notice her pregnancy and be told the news of Angel's death whilst being weary of her. I dunno… what do you think?


End file.
